Shallow Post Is Shallow but Funny

So both the Chronicles bloggers plan to be at Development Camp a few days this week. Of course we’re excited; we’ve wondered if anyone will try to hit a puck at us again, if my nemesis Smoothie Cup lady will be back, or if Bruce will say “hello” to us why we lurk in a hallway like last year. So of course our Sunday will drag by so to entertain ourselves we present “hockey stuff I found on google”:

Fedorov would clearly be Jill.

That sir’s arm is not amused.

It’s not that funny I just love young Knuble.

Breath, our lovely Cougar readers, breath. He doesn’t.

…Berries and Cream man?

He’s practicing his “HAI GURL” pose

“And, after scoring the winning goal Matthew Bradley, #10, went and helped birth a baby buffalo but not before doing a quick bit of composting.”

 

Real goalies where pink? No, apparently hippie vomit.

We Trust in the Wink

It is Free Agent day and the Chronicles woke up knowing that while there were to be no MAJOR moves in the Caps organization they expected there to be SOME sort of movement.

So we settled into see what might happen. High noon rolled around. Things started out very well as several promising players hit the market. I nearly peed myself when Zbynek Michalek hit the market, the Coyotes not planning to sign him. THAT IS THE D-MAN WE NEED! your Chronicles bloggers thought.

He was signed by the Pens…

Well that was alright we’d get over it. Former Badger and Captain of World Jr. Team USA Derek Stepan signed with the Rangers, the team that drafted him. Things were beginning to heat up.

Dan Ellis hit the market. While maybe not a “must buy” Dan might be the kind of goalie we need to play a Bacashihua-like role to Varly (or Neuvy) playing when the young guns needed a rest from goal. However he signed with the Lightning.

No loss, no loss at all.

Adam Burish of the Blackhawks and 2006 Champion Badgers reportedly hit the market. Oh boy I’d love that but we don’t need anymore wingers.

Then Twitter, our source for all things ever, flooded with signings and players hitting the market and I lost track besides the Pens signing yet another defenseman the Caps could have used.

And, Caps fans waited… and waited… and waited… and nothing happened.

And, soon Twitter quieted down and Caps fans nerves began to run on high. We at the Chronicles were not worried tough perhaps we expected maybe a little something. Just a teensy little something. Even a “hey we’re just sort of chillin’, seeing what is going on before jumping in” from a person in the Caps front office.

However I trust George McPhee, the man with the master plan. So I’m sure though perhaps some great D-man who we actually could have signed; do not forget Volchenkov would probably want too much money for our salary cap so don’t dwell on him.

I know everyone is a little stressed out and emo after their less than spectacular playoff performance but it is only the first day of free agency and you never know what might happen.Chill out and here have pictures of cats with improper grammer.

Here is the NHL offical list of avaliable UFAs and ones that have been signed.

Ohhh and a merry Canada Day to ye, readers from the north.

Summer Time and the Living Means We’ve Been Lazy

Sorry for the silence recently. We at the Chronicles have been very busy the past weeks but we’re back, we’ve got nothing but free time on our hands and nothing but loving attention to lavish upon the blog. So here is what we’ve missed:

The Hershey Bears are in the Calder Cup finals against the Texas Stars. I, Meghan, was at Game 1. It was fun though they lost and it took me five hours to drive there though it is only a three-hour drive.

It looks as though Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jose Theodore, will not be coming back next season. I’m torn on this because though Jose Theodore was beyond amazing this season well Contract Year Jose and Non-Contract Year Jose maybe two different species as we’ve seen before.

Eric Fehr and Eric Belanger are in negotiations with the Capitals however Walker and Corvo will not be invited back. Can we call backsies on the Corvo trade?

Reebok Zigtech – Ovechkin from soundscape music + sounddesign on Vimeo.

While I’m still not sure why hockey players are promoting tennis shoes here is Ovie’s Zigtech commercial. He plays hockey against some bears so obviously it’s rather dry, straight forward and boring.

A translated video from a Russian parody program during the Olympics. Ovie sounds like Ringo Star.

Friend of the Blog Russian Machine Never Break continues their “Gordo’s Take” series with Hershey Bear’s Andrew Gordon.

Ted’s buying the Wizards was approved. He now owns the Verizon Center and has started a new company called Monumental Sports and Entertainment. Things are looking good in Caps Land.

Every. Single. Summer. Why Ovie? WHY?

Versteeg raps. I pretend I’m not dying a lot inside.

JR shows what is amazing about hockey players (remembering a kid who was crying in 1992 after you let him down? Heartbreaking) Milbury reminds me why I want nothing more than to punch him in the jeans.

Alexandre Giroux may sign in the KHL next year. Why maybe not a big blow the the Caps, the Bears (AND MY HEART) would suffer a good blow from it.

That seems to be all we missed… though I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Oh yeah! Congrats to the 2010 Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup! We like them and anyone but Philly am I right?

SO CONGRATS AGAIN NOW WATCH DRUNK PARADE PATRICK KANE SHAKE HIS ASS AT YOU. DO IT! http://kanerdance.ytmnd.com/

The Brothers Semveckin

This is perhaps the most epic thing I’ve seen… perhaps ever. Big props to Russian Machine for finding this:

Here is the link to the actual page but I took a screen cap to keep it forever and ever. And, drum roll please!

… Just as good as promised, yes? Come on Yahoo! Answers CANADA; I thought CANADIANS knew EVERYTHING that EVER happened and FOREVER that will happen in hockey… ever.

Let’s dissect this:

1. “Is Alex Oveckin and Alex Semin brothers?” Are… ARE Alex Ovechkin and Alex Semin brothers…

2. Yes, see it’s a devious Russian plot to make you confused. You see their names are spelt completely different but are pronounced exactly the same way.

3. Mama Semveckin named BOTH her boys Alexander. Because, then you can yell their names and not have one go “Mom! I’m ____” See? No messing up names. Brilliant, Mama Ovecksem.

3. And, come on I mean aren’t Russians all related in that weird Communist way? Like a big hippie commune but a country.

4. Oveckin is #8… Semin is #28 like the second eight. Duh.

5. NOTE: His argument is he thought they might be related because Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane are related….

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is Pat Sharp:

This is Pat Kane:

The resemblance is undeniable.

Everything makes sense now. Ohhh the cat is out of the bag, Canada, the cat is out of the bag! Patrick Kane is clearly a double agent sent by Canada to make Americans look like silly, cab driver beating, limo pants taking off, greasy hair having, mullet wearing, pupils always suspiciously too large, Rich and Big singing fools. I always chalked it up to the fact that he is from Buffalo (cue Anna telling me to stop making fun of Buffalo) and because he is 21-year-old male… and American.

But, now Canada it all  makes sense. Admit it you devious Canucks. Your names are probably really Sharp Patrick and Kane Patrick. Ohhh you evil genius you, you thought you could fool us, Patrick brothers. We are on to you Kane and Sharp, but we’ll wait until after the Stanley Cup finals to report you to INS, Kane.

So yes, B4USTAR, Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin are brothers;

Brothers from another mother, yeaaaaaaaah!

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Weird and Wacky search terms soldiers on; you can break my computer but you can’t break WWST spirit!

Nicklas Backstrom blof pics

I’m not sure I feel comfortable googling exactly what “Blof” is. It sounds like a deviant sex act.

capsinguyliner

It’s called a space bar; use it.

Alexander Semin never smiles

LIES!

(thanks to the fabulous @subtlelikebrick)

Adam Burish cute

As a female blogger I’m not really supposed to comment on that…. but umm… what was I talking about?

Things i wish i could unsee

MUWHAHAHA TRY AND UNSEE THAT!

Backstrom to Leafs

(http://puckdaddy.com)

Alex Ovechkin tramp stamp

…Sigh…

Blog Brooks Laich

“Absolutely not”

Gay Ovechkin and Semin pictures

You guys are mean.

Youtube Video Hockey

If you loved Thriller Goalie you’ll love Soulja Boy Forward! Funny hockey videos is a post for another time!

The Link Grab Bag

Hey, there folks. I’m still having computer problems but I got my hands on one long enough to compile a list of the things that have been enthralling the folks at the Chronicles this week:

• We had another song that had been submitted to the EITM goal song contest sent to us via the comments by Jim Dickinson check it out and tell us what you think of it: http://jimdickinson.bandcamp.com/
• A nice article on an under appreciate UW Badger player (humor me, click the link): Article
• Speaking of Badgers via @subtlelikebrick 
• Cody Eakin is called up to Hershey. Anna emits a squeal so loud all the dogs in the tri state area howled.
• Wash Caps Exam has a great article about what other DC sports teams can learn from the Capitals.
• Ted is close to buying the Wiz.
• Caps prospect Della Rovere is quite the actor!  
• Hershey Bear clinch the conference number one seed!
• Caps release a DVD of the “10 Greatest Games”.
• And, your “I Don’t Even Know” Picture of the day: 

Nice velvet jacket, Greenie

That’s all folks. I’m still hoping to be back to normal scheduling soon-ish.

Awkward…

I commandeered some poor saps computer for a bit and decided that I should probably blog something but the question was a post about what? Frankly I’ve been very glad that I haven’t had no computer access, other than what little my 3G network could supply, due to the fact that the past few days the internet has been smashed with bad feelings over the Ovie/Campbell hit. Fans of other teams who usually get along with Caps fans have been at each other throats. Fans of the Caps have been at other Caps fans throats for having different opinions! I’m sick of all this nasty blog posts and Twitter spats so let’s have some fun. I think we all need it.

UPDATE: After I first posted this I found out it was Awkward Moments Day. WIN.

So here is a greatest hits of my favorite (and therefore often embarrassing) hockey related photos I’ve seen over the years.  Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for the eye searing-ness, can’t-unsee-ing-ness of what you are about to see. They’re all PG and yet…

Let’s start with an old favorite! Jose and his pimping cane!

Jose Theodore’s pimping service for all your men in ugly shirt needs!

You all thought Semyon Varlamov came up with that roller skating picture idea first?

MY EYES! MY EYES… nice white socks to your knees with black shorts Ovie. I see you ‘old man tourist’-ing it up back there.

I feel like Jose pimp cane person was also somehow involved in this… what in the heck?

Nice 90s hair, Eric.

You gangsta’, you rollin’ Karl. (That is Neuvy Face)

Awkward…

Most extremely awkward.

Mike Green made more fun faces when he was chubby.

… I. Don’t. Even. Know.

I take that back NOW I. Don’t. Know.

MY EYES! THAT IS EYE ASSAULT!

Sweden you crazy!

Do not even want to know what you are talking about, Mike.

Ahhhh baby hockey goalies!

I can only describe this picture with one thing: O:

What did we learn? Nothing. Except that maybe Ovie is a one man awkward train.

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Smoothest man alive

Oh, you mean Mike Green?

Brooks Laich secret nickname

At THC, we call him “Cougar Bait”. Though, I’m not sure it’s so secret anymore.

Backstrom nickname

He’s Fudgeball, of course!

Patrick Kane training

Obviously this doesn’t happen very often

Semyon gay boy

*sniggers* No self-respecting gay boy would dress like this:

 

Funny photo Washinghton Capitals

Oh, like this?

 Arch enemy cap

Not exactly sure what this is talking about, buttttttt, we here at THC have an arch enemy, whether he knows it or not.

Ovechkin bubble gum

thehockeychronicles.com

Hopefully, when we’re not broke, we’re splurge for the $5 fee and get a domain name that’ll redirect here.

When Varlamov return

He has (coughunfortunatelycough). Three guesses for which games he has played in.

Nick Jonas

Stop. Searching. This. We have received over 100 hits because of some fangirls searching “Nick Jonas”. Leave. Us. Alone. And for good measure, have this (again):

Weird and Wacky Search Terms: Oh Jeez Patrick.

Got some good pictures for weird and wacky this week. Thank you, internet.

Adam Burish and Patrick Kane with Miley

We’re gonna pretend this never happened…

Jackets that say oh shit

Brooks Laich speak french

You wish…

David Steckel in winter olympics 2010

Awww but no.

Staal farm

I agree who ever wrote this caption, I agree. (Thanks Anna the Chronicles keeper of Staal pictures.)

Joe Finley south carolina stingrays arrested

(naplesnews.com)

Oh man I hope they mean the lawnmower thing and he didn’t get arrested again.

Canada vs U.S. hockey cartoon

 

Ovechkin on milk carton

A team Canada  fan should have done that but all I found on Google was this.

Sorry About That Face

Random ramblings once again because we are really missing the NHL right now:

• Your random embaressing Caps photo of the week:

Neuvirth appears to be thinking:

• Your weekly poorly photoshopped photo:

An astute reader noted in the last Caps look-a-likes that Semin looks like rock star Jon Bon Jovi. D’AH! How have we not noticed this before?! And, Semin in Bon Jovi’s 80′s hair would be nothing shot of epic:

I should not be allowed to own Photoshop.

• The Hockey News checks in with retired fan favorite and forever Capital Olie Kolzig
• I don’t know who forgot to mention to Patrick Kane the “good looking” figure skaters who wanted to meet him were men but I owe them a high five.
• The team USA hockey twibbon (I made by the way…) has reached over a hundred supporters… team Canada hockey only has 31… JUST SAYING.
• “It’s a blinding white light like a Canadian just took his shirt off.” Brilliant as always Stephan Colbert talks the Olympics
• Bears broke/tied two AHL records in one night one for consecutive home wins and Bryan Helmer notched his 386th career assist to tie an AHL record for assists by a defenseman.
• Hershey to DC blog puts up their first ever post game interview after the Bear AHL record 20th consecutive home win:

• Your random piece of random:

This isn’t new I just enjoy it…