Ten Things: Why You, UFA Player, Should Sign with the Caps

T’was the night before Free Agent Frenzy and all through the league, all the GMs were stirring, preparing for big trades. The blank jerseys were hung by the jersey lettering stations with care, in hopes there would soon be a new name to put on there. Your bloggers were nestled all snug at their desks, visions of all the reasons free agents should sign to their team dancing in their head;

1. Our Russians know how to party.

2. Matt Bradley will organize your trash and recyclable for you. (Though he may punch you in the junk. LOVINGLY, of course.)

3. It is rumored Green hides cookies in various places around Kettler… SHHHHH it’s a secret…

4.Backstrom will babysit your kids but he’ll probably need a babysitter also.

Which is baby Nicki and which is adult Nicki? Your guess is as good at mine.

5. Mike Green and Eric Fehr have grill duty covered at cook outs! 

BRAAAAAAAAAAAASH! *single tear*

6. Knuble… will probably just nap a lot but hey that will make you feel like a youngin’ again!

Pssst… Don’t stare at his eye… STOP IT!

7. Your hair will always look good… well as long as you are standing next to Varlamov.

Look at all the hair gel that hair soaks up. Hey! I think we found a solution to plugging up the oil spill… SEND THAT MAN TO THE GULF!

8. Your table manners will look amazing next to Semin’s.

9. Our team has a resident car mechanic.

10. If the cable is ever out It’s probably really funny to mess up Brooks Laich’s uber organized pantry and watch him freak out.

BONUS: You’ll also you learn new geography I mean tell me you all did not go “Where the hell is ‘Jurmala’?” Hey at least I know where Latvia is.

From my 8th grade history class: Remember ELL; Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania!

Around the Phone Booth

Remember “Rambling Rambles” a round-up of all the goings on around the Caps, Bears and often the entire NHL, well this is that post but with a new snappy name (a tribute to the Verizon Center aka “the Phone Booth” obviously.) And here we go:

Hershey Bears, the aftermath:

Video:

Post game celebration, Neuvy, French, Bourque, Alzner, Carlson, Beagle, Helmer, Pinner and Amadio all speak, Here. Neuvy proclaims interestingly enough that is was nice to get a shut out as his last game with the Bears. Cue the suspenseful music.

Photos:

More from friend of the blog Kyle at RMNB

The new back to back Calder Cups logo via the Hershey Bears Facebook:

Links and bits of interest:

The Hershey Bears hold their Calder Cup celebration tonight at 7 pm at the Giant Center. Doors open at 6.

If you have pictures or video from either the game or the celebration you’d like to share we’d love to have them. Hit us up on our email or if they are on a website like flickr just link them in comments.

Hershey Bear champions gear can be bought online at theAHL.com

Around CapsNation:

Alex Ovetjkin blog – picture of young Ovechkin and others

B-mo will not be back next year; Capitals Insider. And, now we have to say good-bye to two of the most glorious moustache on the team.

Around the NHL:

Blackhawks on the Tonight Show Someone get Brent Seabrook some rocks to bang together or something.

TMZ catches some of the Blackhawks taking the Cup clubbing in LA. The lady at the end is my absolute favorite.

Summer Time and the Living Means We’ve Been Lazy

Sorry for the silence recently. We at the Chronicles have been very busy the past weeks but we’re back, we’ve got nothing but free time on our hands and nothing but loving attention to lavish upon the blog. So here is what we’ve missed:

The Hershey Bears are in the Calder Cup finals against the Texas Stars. I, Meghan, was at Game 1. It was fun though they lost and it took me five hours to drive there though it is only a three-hour drive.

It looks as though Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jose Theodore, will not be coming back next season. I’m torn on this because though Jose Theodore was beyond amazing this season well Contract Year Jose and Non-Contract Year Jose maybe two different species as we’ve seen before.

Eric Fehr and Eric Belanger are in negotiations with the Capitals however Walker and Corvo will not be invited back. Can we call backsies on the Corvo trade?

Reebok Zigtech – Ovechkin from soundscape music + sounddesign on Vimeo.

While I’m still not sure why hockey players are promoting tennis shoes here is Ovie’s Zigtech commercial. He plays hockey against some bears so obviously it’s rather dry, straight forward and boring.

A translated video from a Russian parody program during the Olympics. Ovie sounds like Ringo Star.

Friend of the Blog Russian Machine Never Break continues their “Gordo’s Take” series with Hershey Bear’s Andrew Gordon.

Ted’s buying the Wizards was approved. He now owns the Verizon Center and has started a new company called Monumental Sports and Entertainment. Things are looking good in Caps Land.

Every. Single. Summer. Why Ovie? WHY?

Versteeg raps. I pretend I’m not dying a lot inside.

JR shows what is amazing about hockey players (remembering a kid who was crying in 1992 after you let him down? Heartbreaking) Milbury reminds me why I want nothing more than to punch him in the jeans.

Alexandre Giroux may sign in the KHL next year. Why maybe not a big blow the the Caps, the Bears (AND MY HEART) would suffer a good blow from it.

That seems to be all we missed… though I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Oh yeah! Congrats to the 2010 Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup! We like them and anyone but Philly am I right?

SO CONGRATS AGAIN NOW WATCH DRUNK PARADE PATRICK KANE SHAKE HIS ASS AT YOU. DO IT! http://kanerdance.ytmnd.com/

Alex Ovechkin: Country Music Star

In a summer already filled with scandal after an uncouth Canadian Yahoo! answers user broke us the news that not only were Alex Semin and Alex Ovechkin  brothers but so were Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane I wondered if there could be anything else of interest to happen after such amazing news.

But yesterday two Twitter followers and hockey fans (@CanadaYotesFan and Amy of yotesgurl.wordpress.com) I follow broke some extremely mind-blowing news;  Alex Ovechkin most out spoken opposer to said music genre is a country music star and guitarist for Lady Antebellum:

(picture taken by @CanadaYotesFan at said concert)

I know I was stunned too. Pick your jaw up off the floor, and dust it off if your floor is as dirty as our. I suppose we should have seen this coming; when you hang out with a man who has a mullet all the time it’s only a matter of time before you pick up the banjo.

To find out who this amazing supposed doppelgänger is I contacted the blogs resident Pittsburgh Penguins and country music expert and got on the case. Of course after a good few minutes of razing about how she likes a band with a guitarist that could be Ovie’s brother (but, that is Semin what am I talking about) then I got on the case.

His name is Dave Haywood… or is it?

(that is all Anna’s wonderful photoshop fault; you can thank her.)

The Brothers Semveckin

This is perhaps the most epic thing I’ve seen… perhaps ever. Big props to Russian Machine for finding this:

Here is the link to the actual page but I took a screen cap to keep it forever and ever. And, drum roll please!

… Just as good as promised, yes? Come on Yahoo! Answers CANADA; I thought CANADIANS knew EVERYTHING that EVER happened and FOREVER that will happen in hockey… ever.

Let’s dissect this:

1. “Is Alex Oveckin and Alex Semin brothers?” Are… ARE Alex Ovechkin and Alex Semin brothers…

2. Yes, see it’s a devious Russian plot to make you confused. You see their names are spelt completely different but are pronounced exactly the same way.

3. Mama Semveckin named BOTH her boys Alexander. Because, then you can yell their names and not have one go “Mom! I’m ____” See? No messing up names. Brilliant, Mama Ovecksem.

3. And, come on I mean aren’t Russians all related in that weird Communist way? Like a big hippie commune but a country.

4. Oveckin is #8… Semin is #28 like the second eight. Duh.

5. NOTE: His argument is he thought they might be related because Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane are related….

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is Pat Sharp:

This is Pat Kane:

The resemblance is undeniable.

Everything makes sense now. Ohhh the cat is out of the bag, Canada, the cat is out of the bag! Patrick Kane is clearly a double agent sent by Canada to make Americans look like silly, cab driver beating, limo pants taking off, greasy hair having, mullet wearing, pupils always suspiciously too large, Rich and Big singing fools. I always chalked it up to the fact that he is from Buffalo (cue Anna telling me to stop making fun of Buffalo) and because he is 21-year-old male… and American.

But, now Canada it all  makes sense. Admit it you devious Canucks. Your names are probably really Sharp Patrick and Kane Patrick. Ohhh you evil genius you, you thought you could fool us, Patrick brothers. We are on to you Kane and Sharp, but we’ll wait until after the Stanley Cup finals to report you to INS, Kane.

So yes, B4USTAR, Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin are brothers;

Brothers from another mother, yeaaaaaaaah!

By Request

Recently VH1 had a series of tv specials called “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex” based off a book by the same title. I was rather enjoying this hilarity and talking about it on Twitter and to my surprise several readers @-ed me asking for me to do a post about the violators of this rule in the NHL (and most specifically Mike Green by quite a few of you.) So because I am a lady of the people I give you hockey’s violators of the Undateable rules:

Semyon Varlamov:

Offense: Acid Wash Jeans

I’ve seen Semyon Varlamov in acid wash jeans but WORSE I saw him once in what appeared to be SKINNY *ACID* wash jean. I understand you are from Russia, where the 90s went to live on forever but no. Just no.

Mike Green

Offense: Over Grooming

(Photo by@ jmdc88)

Not that I would ever suggest Micheal gets those perfect eyebrows by say waxing them or probably needs more time to get ready in the morning then one of those Sex in the City ladies… Nope would never suggest that.

Sidney Crosby

Offense: Bad Facial Hair

Many NHL players break this rule but when you think AWFUL facial hair you think Crosby. Let’s face it, it’s not your fault if you’re like Backstrom and Crosby and incapable of growing in a nice moustache or beard, we can’t all be like George Parros or Brendan Morrison. Some people say it’s the effort that counts, I say shave that thing off your face, Duck Lips.

So, so many offenders

Offense: Man Crocs

Hockey players in general are awful about this particular offense. From the two biggest stars in the league down. (Is Crosby wearing socks with those?! Does that violate the socks and sandals rule too?!) Unless you’re a nurse flying around the floors of a hospital saving lives or a cook skidding across the slippery floor of a kitchen by the deep fryers and hot ovens you don’t really need to be wearing Crocs.

Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless

Some men just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Every time you turn around their shirt has somehow disappeared, for better or for worse. Ovie seems no exception to this offense. Seems like every other picture burning my corneas on hockey blogs is Ovechkin with his shirt off. No offense my friend but… No. And tramp stamps was that on the list? Because, it needs to be.

Alexander Semin and Patrick Kane

Offense: the Mullet

I-I… *walks away* NO. NO NO NO.

Patrick Kane is a double offender with the stuff cut into the sides of his mullet (this picture doesn’t show it, it’s from before he did that but it’s true)

Brooks Laich/Mike Green

Offense: Girly Sunglasses

I’m sure several of our female readers just smashed into their keyboards “BROOKS LAICH UNDATEABLE !!!1111!!!?”  but this is a double offender offense. Mike Green owned the glasses but Brooks claimed they were more his style. Okay boys… okay.

Jose Theodore

Offense: Mandels

Techincally it was mandels with socks but I think we can all agree mandels are never are okay.

Ovie, Green, Backstrom etc

Offense: Lame Dohickey

I know I want to date the guy rolling down the street in his Victorian style bike, unicycle or segway.

Mike Green

Offense: Moobs

Let’s face it Green used to/sort of is a bit of a chubby chunkers and had some/probably still has Moobs. Sorry Greener.

 Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Plays Video Games a LOT

Okay that’s every guy ever but this just happened to be the pictural evidence I had.

Mike Green

Offense: Skulls

Mike Green is a pretend Emo kid. Mike Green likes skulls. Skulls are lame. End. Story.

Mike Green

Offense: Faux Hawk

Mike Green does do real mohawks but he also guilty of the faux hawk.

Milan Jurcina

Offense: WTF is that outfit

I don’t think this was a specific offense but what in the hell are you wearing?

Don’t get me wrong, we like our hockey players and what they do on the ice night after night, but well maybe we wouldn’t want to acknowledge them in public when they’re having a “Undateable” sort of day.

If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments.

Weagle Scout Playoff Edition ’10: Washington at Monteal Game 4 Series 1

Both teams came out flying in the first. The Habs were throwing the body, the Caps were driving offensively. The Habs do to their aggressiveness took a penaty about 40 seconds in, which it would have been a great hit if it hadn’t been well behind the play, but the Capitals did not convert on the power play until the second penalty about eight minutes in when Ovechkin scored. Only a minute or so later Cammalleri evened it up. The first period ended 1-1.

The second period was the Caps turn to take penalties. Despite giving the Habs, one of the best power plays in the league, three PPs the Habs only scored on one, a Gionta goal. Knuble scored on the third Caps penalty a SHG. The second period ended 2-2.

The third period was all Caps. Despite the Habs only taking two penalties (both on Carey Price), which the Caps did not score on either of those power plays, the Caps scored four times. Ovechkin, Chimera, Knuble (empty netter), and Backstrom (also empty netter) all scored. Moore scored for the Habs in between the Knuble and Backstrom ENs. The game ended in regulaton 6-3.

So with such awesome success who is our Weagle Scout of the Game?

Semyon Varlamov

It’s been a while Semyon but with many, many sparkling saves (our defense… just oy vey sometimes) deserves the distinction of Weagle Scout of the Game. Though it’s concerning Varly only seems to show up in important games.

Others with the distinction of Jr. Weagle Scout; still Boyd Gordon, the man is on fire and Nick Backstrom, five playoff goals and after his empty netter while passing in front of the Montreal bench Cary Price two hand smacked him with his stick and Nicki just gave him a smirk. One not classy Cary, two kiddos on not freaking out Nicklas; always killing them with kindness.

The series is 3-1 Caps.

Weagle Scout Playoff Edition ’10: Washington at Montreal Game 3 Series 1

And you all were worried! The Caps came out in the first period and tore it up. It was very intense and most importantly the Caps played THEIR game though it was still could go any ones way. We end this period goose eggs 0-0.

But, what turned the tide for the Caps to REALLY play well was a short handed goal by Boyd Gordon, I don’t think he’ll be scratched again. Then Brooks Laich scored. Then Eric Fehr! Jaroslav Halak (who I love from the Olympics) was pulled and Carey Price came in for Montreal. Then Ovehckin scored! Which lead to an awkward Man-Love fueled celebration between Nicklas and him. The Habs took a lot of penalties and were clearly frustrated. 2nd period ends 4-0 Caps.

We came out for the third feeling good. Then Plekanec scored. This was a pivotal moment if the Caps let them score again too soon after that they could start a blazing comeback. 4-1 where have we seen that before? However they keep the Habs off. THEN MOTHER LOVING MATT BRADLEY SCORED! Yes it is indeed now playoff time, Matt. We end this game 5-1 Caps.

But with all this awesomesauceness who is our Weagle Scout of the Game?

ERIC FEHR!

The man had an amazing game what can I say? Goal, assists, in general AWESOMEness.

Some Jr. Weagle Scouts? Boyd Gordon is having the (two he played) playoffs games of this life and Jason Chimera; what a little smart pest!

Game on for Wednsday, still have a bit to be working (power play scoring please?) and still in Montreal. This series is now 2-1 Caps.

Grab Bag of Links: It’s Like When Scooby Doo Meet the Harlem Globetrotters

Some news and notes from around the blog-o-sphere:

Rock the Red breaks down Caps bloggers superstitions including yours truly.

Still on RTR help raise money for charity and win stuff all the while improving your appearance boys!

Japers Rink breaks down the Canadiens/Captials match up.

Awesome story of how Montreal has had a suprising impact on hockey in DC since the ’40s.

Peerless talks about the supposed tension between new fans and old fans.

Caps Girl discuss the season in retrospect with pictures.

More warm-up pictures from Bruins at Capitals on sunday are up on our Flickr.

It’s Anna and I’s FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR! CABBIE’S JOURNEY TO THE CUP TIME!

Capitals 2010 play-off media guide is out in PDF.

Monrteal reporter talks to DC Sports Bog about Montreal’s love affair with Ovechkin.

French-English online dictionary for you know purely NOT smack talking uses... tehehehe…

Lastly if you follow my personal Twitter you are aware of my prodigiously bad Photoshop skills. While messing around on Photoshop I made a cartoon Ovie with his infamous nachos which I shared with the Twitter world. Well to my utter surprise Russian Machine Never Break contacted me about letting them use it for a shirt. I gave them the thumbs up and sat back to see what it ended up like. Well here it is:

Available in both black and white. Buy one for you, your friend, your dog, your mother!  Or at least tell us what you think. (I LOVE it by the way)

Weird and Wacky Search Terms: Uh-Oh I Feel a Case of the Excitements Coming On!

Mike Green gold medalist

…giggle giggle… I mean… NO I do mean “giggle giggle”.

Witch team is Ovechkin in 2010

I KNEW that talent couldn’t be natural!

Alexander Semin childhood

Creepers! (said the lady with the picture… h/t alexovetjkin.blogspot.com)

Matthew Bradley child actor

Intriguing…

Brooks Laich cougar

I may have to revoke his nickname! Recent events have led me to know that NO ONE gets even the most mild-mannered middle-aged lady drooling like Jose Theodore…

There goes the shutout

Often muttered by the fans of whatever team is playing the Caps.

Karl Alzner

Ehehehe it’s time for Calder Cup playoffs ”insane murderous lumberjack” beard Alzner.

Neuvirth puppy

I don’t know what you mean, mystery searcher. Does he have a puppy? I don’t know. Does he like puppies? I don’t know not everyone likes puppies… it’s probably safe to assume he wouldn’t kick one.

Semin falling down

I can’t top that! So that is it for another addition of “Weird and Wacky Search Terms”.