Ten Things: Why You, UFA Player, Should Sign with the Caps

T’was the night before Free Agent Frenzy and all through the league, all the GMs were stirring, preparing for big trades. The blank jerseys were hung by the jersey lettering stations with care, in hopes there would soon be a new name to put on there. Your bloggers were nestled all snug at their desks, visions of all the reasons free agents should sign to their team dancing in their head;

1. Our Russians know how to party.

2. Matt Bradley will organize your trash and recyclable for you. (Though he may punch you in the junk. LOVINGLY, of course.)

3. It is rumored Green hides cookies in various places around Kettler… SHHHHH it’s a secret…

4.Backstrom will babysit your kids but he’ll probably need a babysitter also.

Which is baby Nicki and which is adult Nicki? Your guess is as good at mine.

5. Mike Green and Eric Fehr have grill duty covered at cook outs! 

BRAAAAAAAAAAAASH! *single tear*

6. Knuble… will probably just nap a lot but hey that will make you feel like a youngin’ again!

Pssst… Don’t stare at his eye… STOP IT!

7. Your hair will always look good… well as long as you are standing next to Varlamov.

Look at all the hair gel that hair soaks up. Hey! I think we found a solution to plugging up the oil spill… SEND THAT MAN TO THE GULF!

8. Your table manners will look amazing next to Semin’s.

9. Our team has a resident car mechanic.

10. If the cable is ever out It’s probably really funny to mess up Brooks Laich’s uber organized pantry and watch him freak out.

BONUS: You’ll also you learn new geography I mean tell me you all did not go “Where the hell is ‘Jurmala’?” Hey at least I know where Latvia is.

From my 8th grade history class: Remember ELL; Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania!

The Brothers Semveckin

This is perhaps the most epic thing I’ve seen… perhaps ever. Big props to Russian Machine for finding this:

Here is the link to the actual page but I took a screen cap to keep it forever and ever. And, drum roll please!

… Just as good as promised, yes? Come on Yahoo! Answers CANADA; I thought CANADIANS knew EVERYTHING that EVER happened and FOREVER that will happen in hockey… ever.

Let’s dissect this:

1. “Is Alex Oveckin and Alex Semin brothers?” Are… ARE Alex Ovechkin and Alex Semin brothers…

2. Yes, see it’s a devious Russian plot to make you confused. You see their names are spelt completely different but are pronounced exactly the same way.

3. Mama Semveckin named BOTH her boys Alexander. Because, then you can yell their names and not have one go “Mom! I’m ____” See? No messing up names. Brilliant, Mama Ovecksem.

3. And, come on I mean aren’t Russians all related in that weird Communist way? Like a big hippie commune but a country.

4. Oveckin is #8… Semin is #28 like the second eight. Duh.

5. NOTE: His argument is he thought they might be related because Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane are related….

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is Pat Sharp:

This is Pat Kane:

The resemblance is undeniable.

Everything makes sense now. Ohhh the cat is out of the bag, Canada, the cat is out of the bag! Patrick Kane is clearly a double agent sent by Canada to make Americans look like silly, cab driver beating, limo pants taking off, greasy hair having, mullet wearing, pupils always suspiciously too large, Rich and Big singing fools. I always chalked it up to the fact that he is from Buffalo (cue Anna telling me to stop making fun of Buffalo) and because he is 21-year-old male… and American.

But, now Canada it all  makes sense. Admit it you devious Canucks. Your names are probably really Sharp Patrick and Kane Patrick. Ohhh you evil genius you, you thought you could fool us, Patrick brothers. We are on to you Kane and Sharp, but we’ll wait until after the Stanley Cup finals to report you to INS, Kane.

So yes, B4USTAR, Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin are brothers;

Brothers from another mother, yeaaaaaaaah!

By Request

Recently VH1 had a series of tv specials called “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex” based off a book by the same title. I was rather enjoying this hilarity and talking about it on Twitter and to my surprise several readers @-ed me asking for me to do a post about the violators of this rule in the NHL (and most specifically Mike Green by quite a few of you.) So because I am a lady of the people I give you hockey’s violators of the Undateable rules:

Semyon Varlamov:

Offense: Acid Wash Jeans

I’ve seen Semyon Varlamov in acid wash jeans but WORSE I saw him once in what appeared to be SKINNY *ACID* wash jean. I understand you are from Russia, where the 90s went to live on forever but no. Just no.

Mike Green

Offense: Over Grooming

(Photo by@ jmdc88)

Not that I would ever suggest Micheal gets those perfect eyebrows by say waxing them or probably needs more time to get ready in the morning then one of those Sex in the City ladies… Nope would never suggest that.

Sidney Crosby

Offense: Bad Facial Hair

Many NHL players break this rule but when you think AWFUL facial hair you think Crosby. Let’s face it, it’s not your fault if you’re like Backstrom and Crosby and incapable of growing in a nice moustache or beard, we can’t all be like George Parros or Brendan Morrison. Some people say it’s the effort that counts, I say shave that thing off your face, Duck Lips.

So, so many offenders

Offense: Man Crocs

Hockey players in general are awful about this particular offense. From the two biggest stars in the league down. (Is Crosby wearing socks with those?! Does that violate the socks and sandals rule too?!) Unless you’re a nurse flying around the floors of a hospital saving lives or a cook skidding across the slippery floor of a kitchen by the deep fryers and hot ovens you don’t really need to be wearing Crocs.

Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless

Some men just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Every time you turn around their shirt has somehow disappeared, for better or for worse. Ovie seems no exception to this offense. Seems like every other picture burning my corneas on hockey blogs is Ovechkin with his shirt off. No offense my friend but… No. And tramp stamps was that on the list? Because, it needs to be.

Alexander Semin and Patrick Kane

Offense: the Mullet

I-I… *walks away* NO. NO NO NO.

Patrick Kane is a double offender with the stuff cut into the sides of his mullet (this picture doesn’t show it, it’s from before he did that but it’s true)

Brooks Laich/Mike Green

Offense: Girly Sunglasses

I’m sure several of our female readers just smashed into their keyboards “BROOKS LAICH UNDATEABLE !!!1111!!!?”  but this is a double offender offense. Mike Green owned the glasses but Brooks claimed they were more his style. Okay boys… okay.

Jose Theodore

Offense: Mandels

Techincally it was mandels with socks but I think we can all agree mandels are never are okay.

Ovie, Green, Backstrom etc

Offense: Lame Dohickey

I know I want to date the guy rolling down the street in his Victorian style bike, unicycle or segway.

Mike Green

Offense: Moobs

Let’s face it Green used to/sort of is a bit of a chubby chunkers and had some/probably still has Moobs. Sorry Greener.

 Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Plays Video Games a LOT

Okay that’s every guy ever but this just happened to be the pictural evidence I had.

Mike Green

Offense: Skulls

Mike Green is a pretend Emo kid. Mike Green likes skulls. Skulls are lame. End. Story.

Mike Green

Offense: Faux Hawk

Mike Green does do real mohawks but he also guilty of the faux hawk.

Milan Jurcina

Offense: WTF is that outfit

I don’t think this was a specific offense but what in the hell are you wearing?

Don’t get me wrong, we like our hockey players and what they do on the ice night after night, but well maybe we wouldn’t want to acknowledge them in public when they’re having a “Undateable” sort of day.

If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments.

Weird and Wacky Search Terms: Uh-Oh I Feel a Case of the Excitements Coming On!

Mike Green gold medalist

…giggle giggle… I mean… NO I do mean “giggle giggle”.

Witch team is Ovechkin in 2010

I KNEW that talent couldn’t be natural!

Alexander Semin childhood

Creepers! (said the lady with the picture… h/t alexovetjkin.blogspot.com)

Matthew Bradley child actor

Intriguing…

Brooks Laich cougar

I may have to revoke his nickname! Recent events have led me to know that NO ONE gets even the most mild-mannered middle-aged lady drooling like Jose Theodore…

There goes the shutout

Often muttered by the fans of whatever team is playing the Caps.

Karl Alzner

Ehehehe it’s time for Calder Cup playoffs ”insane murderous lumberjack” beard Alzner.

Neuvirth puppy

I don’t know what you mean, mystery searcher. Does he have a puppy? I don’t know. Does he like puppies? I don’t know not everyone likes puppies… it’s probably safe to assume he wouldn’t kick one.

Semin falling down

I can’t top that! So that is it for another addition of “Weird and Wacky Search Terms”.

Well That Was Silly

That game was at times hilarious, at times tragic, and at times rather boring. Timmy Tomas freaking out on Chimera was mother loving HILARIOUS! My face when Boyd Gordon came on the ice for the shoot out: Priceless “Is that BOYD?” I said when he rolled on to the ice. That was the perfect cap to my regular season. I loved being at the VC and getting my free umbrella, rally towel, and ANOTHER Caps hat (which I don’t wear hats and I have a bunch of free ones I’ve picked up over the years lying around the house). I bought the Caps yearbook and a Backstrom puck because I need MORE random hockey crap.

Our Weagle Scout:

THE WHOLE TEAM

Guys we lost but gosh darn it they’ve given us the best season of hockey in my short life! I’ve NEVER had any expectations from this team. Back when half these guys weren’t on the team and they were in the black and gold jerseys I knew they had loads of  potential but the problem was would it pan out or not? I didn’t care! The fact the boys finished first in the East and are going into the playoffs is more than I ever imagined! Two seasons ago we were barely making the playoffs! I’ve always been proud to call myself a Caps fan but these boys are heart breakingly good.

But, enough sissy effusions! We have a bunch of French Canadians to be kicking the butt of! NON! HABS! NON!

Here’s some pictures I took at warm ups usually I’d just through them on Flickr but I had a fancy DSLR camera I borrowed from a buddy so I’ll share them straight up:

I see your playoff moustache is coming in nicely, Jose.

I love how they have the exact same dopey eyed expression on.

I’m waiting for the magic playoff porno ‘stache! Do not disappoint!

He looks like a hate powered super hero.

“Another game, another bunch of rapid fan girls, uh my life is so hard! Whatevvver.”

Awkward juxtaposition…

Obligatory Green shot.

That shot is not quality but the look Tom Poti is giving Green cracks me up.

Obligatory Brooks shot

NEUVY FACE ON VARLY’S FACE!

Okay I’m sure I’ve tortured you all enough with picture time. Oh but one last one:

My sign for Jeff “Mr. Nasty” Schultz (ghetto tape job a last-minute emergency fix!)

Oh and sad Chronicles girls! Half the fun of seeing the Caps play the Bruins was to see our second favorite Slovak player Chara and he didn’t even play.

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Weird and Wacky search terms soldiers on; you can break my computer but you can’t break WWST spirit!

Nicklas Backstrom blof pics

I’m not sure I feel comfortable googling exactly what “Blof” is. It sounds like a deviant sex act.

capsinguyliner

It’s called a space bar; use it.

Alexander Semin never smiles

LIES!

(thanks to the fabulous @subtlelikebrick)

Adam Burish cute

As a female blogger I’m not really supposed to comment on that…. but umm… what was I talking about?

Things i wish i could unsee

MUWHAHAHA TRY AND UNSEE THAT!

Backstrom to Leafs

(http://puckdaddy.com)

Alex Ovechkin tramp stamp

…Sigh…

Blog Brooks Laich

“Absolutely not”

Gay Ovechkin and Semin pictures

You guys are mean.

Youtube Video Hockey

If you loved Thriller Goalie you’ll love Soulja Boy Forward! Funny hockey videos is a post for another time!

Sorry About That Face

Random ramblings once again because we are really missing the NHL right now:

• Your random embaressing Caps photo of the week:

Neuvirth appears to be thinking:

• Your weekly poorly photoshopped photo:

An astute reader noted in the last Caps look-a-likes that Semin looks like rock star Jon Bon Jovi. D’AH! How have we not noticed this before?! And, Semin in Bon Jovi’s 80′s hair would be nothing shot of epic:

I should not be allowed to own Photoshop.

• The Hockey News checks in with retired fan favorite and forever Capital Olie Kolzig
• I don’t know who forgot to mention to Patrick Kane the “good looking” figure skaters who wanted to meet him were men but I owe them a high five.
• The team USA hockey twibbon (I made by the way…) has reached over a hundred supporters… team Canada hockey only has 31… JUST SAYING.
• “It’s a blinding white light like a Canadian just took his shirt off.” Brilliant as always Stephan Colbert talks the Olympics
• Bears broke/tied two AHL records in one night one for consecutive home wins and Bryan Helmer notched his 386th career assist to tie an AHL record for assists by a defenseman.
• Hershey to DC blog puts up their first ever post game interview after the Bear AHL record 20th consecutive home win:

• Your random piece of random:

This isn’t new I just enjoy it…

An Old Post Returns

So because I could not come up with an original post idea (though I do have a potential Caps look-a-likes post coming up if I have enough that aren’t lame) So I thought I would just link some stuff in the most triumphant return of: MID-WEEK BABBLINGS! (if you weren’t a reader during the off season this is something I did quite often)

The Dark Blue Jacket would like to remind his team to keep Milan. And, I hope they do unless of course the Caps would like him back.

There’s something I never needed to see… Okay maybe a little. Oy vey go to the Blackhawks offical wordpress (they are so damn fancy) for more pictures and go to here to find out what in the hell is happening in that photo.

Wonderful World of Loser Domi says goodbye to the former Leafs player I liked to refer to as  the Delicate Princess.  Keep an eye out for those darn soccer balls in Calgary.

The Blackhawks did a Ladies Man video . Quite few Cap fans said Burish pales in comparison to the Caps ladies man. I for one have no opinion because I am not allowed to have an opinion because I am a lady hockey blogger and there fore am expected to be nothing but professional and pretend I have never noticed that Burish is about as good looking as Laich because that would be wrong of me as a lady hockey blogger but it’s totally cool for a male blogger to say it.

Keep up with the Blackhawks Kane and Versteeg graced us with a duet at a recent Blackhawks charity event. I can’t even; I confess I couldn’t even watch the whole video:

The always brilliant Down Goes Brown and Bloge Salming banded together once again to make a hilarous video. The Canadian’s Olympic Welcoming Song:

General consensus amongst fans was this is the most hilarous Caps related thing we’ve ever seen on the internet. Thank you as always NHLol

And, this photo whose source I do not know is general consensus the cutest damn thing ever.

Capitals Redline Mondays came back tonight. Why I know the “mondays” isn’t actually part of the name for some reason it is stuck in my head that way. My biggest complaint? Who in the heck in this “Lou” guy during the “Forces of Hockey” segment (some prof. at the UVA apparently) and WHERE IS PROFFESOR BRADLEY?! (yes, it’s spelled with two “F”s)

I Wanna Be the Very Best!

If you were a kid of the 90s, you remember Pokemon. Admit it, you had the cards, video games, stuffed animals, movies, and watched the television show every Saturday morning.

So, I was thinking, if some of the Caps were Pokemon, who would they be?

 

The face of the Pokemon craze. Always happy. Known for bursts of “intense electrical offensive…forces”.

 

Well-trained. Extremely loyal to friends.

 

Well-behaved unless angered. Known to lash out. Rash. “Rage attacks”. Sassy.

 

Adorable. Sings people to sleep. Did I mention adorable?

 

Generally well-mannered. Loyal. A bit sassy.

 

Kind of dopey. Unable to think clearly. Not the brightest. Stronger and more clever than he looks.

I am sure I have put your mind at ease. Enjoy

[Credit to Bulbapedia for the info]

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Weird and Wacky search terms is a semi-regular post in which we delve in to our search terms and see what weird things people have been searching and even weirder if we can help find what they’re looking for. (We recieved a lot of new readers this past week so just a quick introduction)

Let’s start out of with a bang:

Matt bradley on jizz to ovie

I don’t know how Semin’s nickname got so very confused in some ones head but… I don’t even know.

Evgeni malkin nick jonas

I didn’t make this promise.

Staahl brothers

This is the first picture that comes up when you google image that. First search result: Staal Brother Drinking Game! (Play at your own risk)

Alex ovechkin’s hockey pants

The same thing has come up before but with Patrick Sharp. I have NO clue what they mean… But here a picture of Ovie in his infamous jean/sweatpants things.

Caps mike green hair 2010

This is why we call him “Duck Ass”.

Backstrom chess

Scarlet Caps? Not sure I actually google imaged this and it came up off the Chronicles.

Semin lovely

Hehe… sorry I’m five. But, hey when you are a snazzy dresser like that how are you anything but lovely?