By Request

Recently VH1 had a series of tv specials called “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex” based off a book by the same title. I was rather enjoying this hilarity and talking about it on Twitter and to my surprise several readers @-ed me asking for me to do a post about the violators of this rule in the NHL (and most specifically Mike Green by quite a few of you.) So because I am a lady of the people I give you hockey’s violators of the Undateable rules:

Semyon Varlamov:

Offense: Acid Wash Jeans

I’ve seen Semyon Varlamov in acid wash jeans but WORSE I saw him once in what appeared to be SKINNY *ACID* wash jean. I understand you are from Russia, where the 90s went to live on forever but no. Just no.

Mike Green

Offense: Over Grooming

(Photo by@ jmdc88)

Not that I would ever suggest Micheal gets those perfect eyebrows by say waxing them or probably needs more time to get ready in the morning then one of those Sex in the City ladies… Nope would never suggest that.

Sidney Crosby

Offense: Bad Facial Hair

Many NHL players break this rule but when you think AWFUL facial hair you think Crosby. Let’s face it, it’s not your fault if you’re like Backstrom and Crosby and incapable of growing in a nice moustache or beard, we can’t all be like George Parros or Brendan Morrison. Some people say it’s the effort that counts, I say shave that thing off your face, Duck Lips.

So, so many offenders

Offense: Man Crocs

Hockey players in general are awful about this particular offense. From the two biggest stars in the league down. (Is Crosby wearing socks with those?! Does that violate the socks and sandals rule too?!) Unless you’re a nurse flying around the floors of a hospital saving lives or a cook skidding across the slippery floor of a kitchen by the deep fryers and hot ovens you don’t really need to be wearing Crocs.

Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless

Some men just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Every time you turn around their shirt has somehow disappeared, for better or for worse. Ovie seems no exception to this offense. Seems like every other picture burning my corneas on hockey blogs is Ovechkin with his shirt off. No offense my friend but… No. And tramp stamps was that on the list? Because, it needs to be.

Alexander Semin and Patrick Kane

Offense: the Mullet

I-I… *walks away* NO. NO NO NO.

Patrick Kane is a double offender with the stuff cut into the sides of his mullet (this picture doesn’t show it, it’s from before he did that but it’s true)

Brooks Laich/Mike Green

Offense: Girly Sunglasses

I’m sure several of our female readers just smashed into their keyboards “BROOKS LAICH UNDATEABLE !!!1111!!!?”  but this is a double offender offense. Mike Green owned the glasses but Brooks claimed they were more his style. Okay boys… okay.

Jose Theodore

Offense: Mandels

Techincally it was mandels with socks but I think we can all agree mandels are never are okay.

Ovie, Green, Backstrom etc

Offense: Lame Dohickey

I know I want to date the guy rolling down the street in his Victorian style bike, unicycle or segway.

Mike Green

Offense: Moobs

Let’s face it Green used to/sort of is a bit of a chubby chunkers and had some/probably still has Moobs. Sorry Greener.

 Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Plays Video Games a LOT

Okay that’s every guy ever but this just happened to be the pictural evidence I had.

Mike Green

Offense: Skulls

Mike Green is a pretend Emo kid. Mike Green likes skulls. Skulls are lame. End. Story.

Mike Green

Offense: Faux Hawk

Mike Green does do real mohawks but he also guilty of the faux hawk.

Milan Jurcina

Offense: WTF is that outfit

I don’t think this was a specific offense but what in the hell are you wearing?

Don’t get me wrong, we like our hockey players and what they do on the ice night after night, but well maybe we wouldn’t want to acknowledge them in public when they’re having a “Undateable” sort of day.

If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments.

Weird and Wacky Search Terms: a Particularly Creepy Week of Search Terms

Okay here we go, wacky and weird search terms once again!

Things that make you say oh shit

How about this search term from the same week ”mario lemieux played like a girl” Ohhhhh shit!  Buuuurn.

Varlamov Mullet

… Could you be sitting ANY creepier?

Staal kissing Malkin

I’d really rather not know…

Why does brooks laich shave his hair

Why would you EVER need to know WHY he does it? Does it matter? Maybe it’s just too hot down in Virginia compared to Canada. Maybe his head gets all stanky with long hair.

Mike green no shirt capitals

I never… want to speak of this again.

Milan Jurcina

Nice outfit, Juice, nice outfit. (By the way; when are you coming back, favoritest Slovak?!)

Well That Was Silly

That game was at times hilarious, at times tragic, and at times rather boring. Timmy Tomas freaking out on Chimera was mother loving HILARIOUS! My face when Boyd Gordon came on the ice for the shoot out: Priceless “Is that BOYD?” I said when he rolled on to the ice. That was the perfect cap to my regular season. I loved being at the VC and getting my free umbrella, rally towel, and ANOTHER Caps hat (which I don’t wear hats and I have a bunch of free ones I’ve picked up over the years lying around the house). I bought the Caps yearbook and a Backstrom puck because I need MORE random hockey crap.

Our Weagle Scout:

THE WHOLE TEAM

Guys we lost but gosh darn it they’ve given us the best season of hockey in my short life! I’ve NEVER had any expectations from this team. Back when half these guys weren’t on the team and they were in the black and gold jerseys I knew they had loads of  potential but the problem was would it pan out or not? I didn’t care! The fact the boys finished first in the East and are going into the playoffs is more than I ever imagined! Two seasons ago we were barely making the playoffs! I’ve always been proud to call myself a Caps fan but these boys are heart breakingly good.

But, enough sissy effusions! We have a bunch of French Canadians to be kicking the butt of! NON! HABS! NON!

Here’s some pictures I took at warm ups usually I’d just through them on Flickr but I had a fancy DSLR camera I borrowed from a buddy so I’ll share them straight up:

I see your playoff moustache is coming in nicely, Jose.

I love how they have the exact same dopey eyed expression on.

I’m waiting for the magic playoff porno ‘stache! Do not disappoint!

He looks like a hate powered super hero.

“Another game, another bunch of rapid fan girls, uh my life is so hard! Whatevvver.”

Awkward juxtaposition…

Obligatory Green shot.

That shot is not quality but the look Tom Poti is giving Green cracks me up.

Obligatory Brooks shot

NEUVY FACE ON VARLY’S FACE!

Okay I’m sure I’ve tortured you all enough with picture time. Oh but one last one:

My sign for Jeff “Mr. Nasty” Schultz (ghetto tape job a last-minute emergency fix!)

Oh and sad Chronicles girls! Half the fun of seeing the Caps play the Bruins was to see our second favorite Slovak player Chara and he didn’t even play.

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Smoothest man alive

Oh, you mean Mike Green?

Brooks Laich secret nickname

At THC, we call him “Cougar Bait”. Though, I’m not sure it’s so secret anymore.

Backstrom nickname

He’s Fudgeball, of course!

Patrick Kane training

Obviously this doesn’t happen very often

Semyon gay boy

*sniggers* No self-respecting gay boy would dress like this:

 

Funny photo Washinghton Capitals

Oh, like this?

 Arch enemy cap

Not exactly sure what this is talking about, buttttttt, we here at THC have an arch enemy, whether he knows it or not.

Ovechkin bubble gum

thehockeychronicles.com

Hopefully, when we’re not broke, we’re splurge for the $5 fee and get a domain name that’ll redirect here.

When Varlamov return

He has (coughunfortunatelycough). Three guesses for which games he has played in.

Nick Jonas

Stop. Searching. This. We have received over 100 hits because of some fangirls searching “Nick Jonas”. Leave. Us. Alone. And for good measure, have this (again):

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

It would seem for this Weird and Wacky Search Terms our search term box was invaded by people searching for the Blackhawks and Bears.

Can Jonathan Toews speak german?

No, but that’d be so awesome! I do know he speaks French (so no sassing in the comments about it)

(PS. of course I photoshoped that sillies if J. Toews was ever really in lederhosen I’d be dead of laughter)

Neuvirth looks Asian

Yes, yes he does.

Keith and Brent Seabrook

 

Keith Seabrook – he used to be a Caps prospect and then he wasn’t. Now I have sad.

Brent Seabrook and Duncan Keith

It’s just man love m’kay?

Hershey Bears bus

Unless it’s a really cool bus with like a giant bear on the side, or even beter a giant spirit bear on top ala the Olympic opening ceremonies, leave the poor children alone.

Daren Puppa Goalie

THIS Daren Puppa goalie? Haha yes that is a picture of the action figure I own (taken by Anna) I don’t know why I own one either. Well I do I got swindled by an old lady.

The Hockey Chronicles

Thaaaaaaat’s ME! Does no one else remember that show?

Ovechkin Selfish 

You would be selfish too with a body like that (*shudders* I’m so sorry you had to see that. Put a shirt on Ovie, bejeezus)

How can u tell if someone is around ur h

No, what what does it say?!  It’s too long it cut off! What is it? How can you tell is someone is around your h- horse? house? hockey sticks? hockey goal… DID TOM POTI GOOGLE THAT?!

BONUS!

So this isn’t a search term but while making this I ran into this photo:

Oh man even I can’t handle the cuteness.

Which made me this of this photo:

*Boop!*

It’s the least I owed you after the Ovie picture.

Mike Green It Is Not So Secret Anymore

Alright you people asked for it! Anna and I came up with it but never planned to do anything with it but you guys goaded us on and so here is the first week of Mike Green’s Super Secret Computer Diary:

I Wanna Be the Very Best!

If you were a kid of the 90s, you remember Pokemon. Admit it, you had the cards, video games, stuffed animals, movies, and watched the television show every Saturday morning.

So, I was thinking, if some of the Caps were Pokemon, who would they be?

 

The face of the Pokemon craze. Always happy. Known for bursts of “intense electrical offensive…forces”.

 

Well-trained. Extremely loyal to friends.

 

Well-behaved unless angered. Known to lash out. Rash. “Rage attacks”. Sassy.

 

Adorable. Sings people to sleep. Did I mention adorable?

 

Generally well-mannered. Loyal. A bit sassy.

 

Kind of dopey. Unable to think clearly. Not the brightest. Stronger and more clever than he looks.

I am sure I have put your mind at ease. Enjoy

[Credit to Bulbapedia for the info]

Weird and Wacky Search Terms

Weird and Wacky search terms is a semi-regular post in which we delve in to our search terms and see what weird things people have been searching and even weirder if we can help find what they’re looking for. (We recieved a lot of new readers this past week so just a quick introduction)

Let’s start out of with a bang:

Matt bradley on jizz to ovie

I don’t know how Semin’s nickname got so very confused in some ones head but… I don’t even know.

Evgeni malkin nick jonas

I didn’t make this promise.

Staahl brothers

This is the first picture that comes up when you google image that. First search result: Staal Brother Drinking Game! (Play at your own risk)

Alex ovechkin’s hockey pants

The same thing has come up before but with Patrick Sharp. I have NO clue what they mean… But here a picture of Ovie in his infamous jean/sweatpants things.

Caps mike green hair 2010

This is why we call him “Duck Ass”.

Backstrom chess

Scarlet Caps? Not sure I actually google imaged this and it came up off the Chronicles.

Semin lovely

Hehe… sorry I’m five. But, hey when you are a snazzy dresser like that how are you anything but lovely?

So Much Fail So Little Time

Before we get to the fail let’s look at a win: I found this beauty thanks to Twitter this afternoon. Not sure who made it but who ever it was I love it.

Pretty much everything is perfect in Caps land. It’s snowing in the DMV area, our team has broken a franchise record of wins and now go on to challenge the NHL record of straight wins (set by the Pens; if you were needing motivation), the Caps are chugging along and it’s 2006?!

 The game is in 2006  and SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY if you couldn’t figure it out by the fifteen Sundays. And, it’s 12 M eastern time! When is M?

Am I down the rabbit hole? Left is right and right is left and it’s 12 M o clock and 2006.  My head hurts.

So it’s agreed; We all meet on Sunday at 12 M o clock EASTERN time mind you, not 12 M central time, in 2006 to watch the these Captials:

Take on these Pens:

Yeah I want to go cry in a corner too. Wishful thinking NBC but no the Nothing but Crosby network your babies are facing these Caps:

Yeah, that’s a very faily telestration I know.

What If?

 You’ve all had those moments when your some where random like the metro, the supermarket, or the street and you see a guy and think “Wow that looks like if  _______ and _______  could possibly have a kid.” Of course they can’t because it’s two guys he looks like. Well I was introduced to morphthing.com and decided to morph together some of our favorite buddies and here we go:

Ovie/Semin

(That baby is actually very cute; count me suprised I mean one of them is called “the Caveman”)

Green/Brooks 

Gordon/Bradley

Kane/Toews

Burish/Sharp

The things you can do on the internet are rather wonderous… and totally useless…