Why My Dad Needs a GPS (And a Weather Map)

I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned this before, but my dad is horrible with directions, not as bad as my sister (she got us lost in the ghettos around Hampton Roads twice in one day, and she LIVES down there), but still really, really bad. What makes it worst is that he refuses to listen to signs, directions, or ME because, y’know, he’s always right. For example, when Meghan and I went to Kettler to go ice skating for my birthday, I wanted to go to Chop’t afterwards, which is normally no more than a twenty minute drive, but it took him TWO HOURS because he didn’t want to listen to the directions I printed out.

Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering ‘Anna, what does this have to do with hockey?’ Well, I’m glad you asked! Since I’m also a devoted Hershey fan, going to a game would be nice, especially since tickets are a lot cheaper than Capitals tickets. The logical place to see the Bears play is, of course, in Hershey, but my dad refuses to drive up there. ‘Anna, it’s in another state; it’s too far away’. So, I looked up the next Hershey @ Admirals game that isn’t on a school night (29 Dec, might I add), and he may be willing to take us to that! Out of curiousity, I used Map Quest to determine exactly how far away my house was from Norfolk and how far from Hershey.

• My house to Norfolk: 2h33 with a total of 144,30 miles
• My house to Hershey: 3h17 with a total of 178.52 miles

It’s an extra 44 minutes, that’s all! And, while I know traffic can be tricky up there, I’ve had worse experiences going down in that direction (it took four hours to get from Newport News to my town once, when it should only take two). When I pointed this out to my dad, guess what his excuse was? ‘There’s snow up there, Anna! There’ll be snow on the drive up!’ Snow? SNOW? Really, dad? You lived in Rochester, New York for fourteen years, and you’re concerned with the snow up in Hershey? *facepalm*

In other news, Kaner and Burish have seemed to make themselves only look more ridiculous lately. First, Kaner announces on the radio (does anyone remember which station? or knows where I can find a soundbite?) that he and Burish saw Miley Cyrus in concert. I never thought I’d actually have something in common with those two boys (except being American and growing up in upstate New York). In my defense, I saw her when I was fifteen, not twenty-one and twenty-six…

Anyway, to add to their stupidity, they do this at the Hawks’ Halloween shindig:

*rolls eyes* Does anyone know what Sharpie is supposed to be?

Lately, it seems as though Kaner and Burish have been hanging out a lot lately. Does this mean Kaner dumped Tazer? And Burish is trying to get over the fact that Sharpie’s engaged? *devilish grin* I think soooooo =]

To stick to the theme of my family, we all know my mom is a creeper when it comes to talking hockey. First, she implied that Meghan and I molested Eakin, Carlson, and Holtby in an elevator, and then, she thought we were devising to personally buy Tazer or Kaner. Thankfully, her latest comment was golden. We were in the car after a trip to Sonic for ice cream and I was making fun of Crosby, like I always do. After comparing his looks to a beaver/duck hybrid and making fun of his ass and specially made pants, my mom told me:

• “Anna, you should be nice to him! He probably doesn’t have any friends!”

It was easily the best thing she has ever said to me.

Also, I finally got around to listening to the hour-long Hockey Diaries, which followed Brooksy and Karl Alzner around for the 08-09 season, and it somehow managed to make me love Brooksy even more than I already do. Impossible, I thought! But, after hearing all the adorable stories from his mother (he sure did cry a lot) and Brooksy bossing Greener around while raking leaves (they’re totally like an old married couple), it happened. Not that a mind. Nope, I don’t mind at all. To listen or download, go here!

On one last note, tonight was Brooksy’s 200th consecutive game with the Capitals XD

- Anna

My Own Personal Blackhawk

I have resolved to stop talking to my mother about hockey. She doesn’t care, no matter how hard I try, and it never seems to end well. Yet again, my mother has proved that she thinks Meghan and I are twenty-times the creepers we actually are. First, it was the elevator incident. Now, its the ‘you can’t buy a hockey player’ incident.

So, today, I was talking to my mother while she was doing some work, and since I was anticipating the Capitals @ Blackhawks game tonight, I naturally started to talk hockey. I know she doesn’t care, but I can’t help it, and she at least tries to seem interested. Today, I brought up the fact that Kaner’s and Tazer’s contracts are up after this season and how the Hawks are already capped out. Earlier this week, Meghan and I were fantasizing about how amazing it would be if the Caps acquired one of them (a far-fetched and ridiculous dream), especially since Nyls will probably (and hopefully) be gone after this season, and I told my mom this. My exact words were ‘it’d be really cool if ‘we’ can buy one of them’, because I often refer to the Capitals as though I have any sort of affiliation to them…

Apparently, my mom was not aware of this habit, so she turns around, looks at me dead in the eyes and says : “You and Meghan cannot buy a player” 0.0

First of all, personally buying a player is not possible (coughunfortunatelycough). Second of all, I barely have five bucks, let alone five-million that it’d take to buy a hockey player. So, mother, why would you even think Meghan and I would cook up such a scheme? Sure, we conspire a lot, but only ever jokingly and never so creepily. But, of course, my mom reveres Meghan and I as the biggest hockey-creepers this side of the Mississippi, so naturally, we think about buying a Blackhawk and hiding him away in our closet or something. Also, if I’m buying any player, it’ll be a Capital, thank you very much… Not that I’ve thought about this or anything… I swear…

Anyway, in other news, MEGHAN AND I ARE GOING TO PRACTICE TOMORROW! I am clearly quite excited. Let’s hope some shenanigans ensue, as long as we do not get arrested (as Meghan is theorizing via text messages as I write this), and have a splendid ol’ time. Expect tweets via @hockeychronicle from me.

The schedules for the Capitals Convention (six days!) were released today, and something ridiculous has come to light. If Meghan and I want to get pictures with players, we have to pay twenty-bucks for it. Now, I love my boys, but to expect me to pay twenty-frickin-dollars for a likely awkward moment is a lot to expect. And Greener, Sasha, Theo, Varly, Nicky, and Ovie are the only current Capitals players who are doing photos… No, thank you.

Also, for those unaware, the Capitals are playing the Blackhawks as we speak. You can listen to the game live here. It is currently a rather conflicting and frustrating game.

- Anna

Postscript: Also, I am permanently ‘Rocking the Red’ wherever I go with my Disco Inferno (i.e. ridiculously bright, cherry red) hair. I re-dyed it last weekend (it was first done around the end of the regular season), though it has no relation to the Capitals, it is a nice coincidence. So, if you go to practice tomorrow and see a girl with snazzy, obviously dyed red hair, it’ll be me :]

And Now Bring Forth the Sacrifice

Oh, wise and loving Hockey gods; we the humble fans grovel at your benevolent feet and ask once again as the season comes for you to heed our prayers;

Please grace the Capitals with your good favor and smile upon our players. Make them solid of bone and many of teeth. Put a pep in their step and a good brain in their heads.

And, if you have a little extra favor and time let the Blackhawks have these things also. But, if you don’t give it all to the Capitals please.

In regards to individuals;
Keep Laich safe from all his creepers; we need him unstalked.

Please let Semin keep on his feet; make his ankles strong and his back straight. Also let him keep his anger managed; maybe get him one of those little foam angry squeeze things with the poppy eyes?

Bless Backstrom with some cookies to eat as long as he keeps on being awesome; the boy’s getting too thin if you ask me.

Allow Green to keep his shoulders solid and allow him to come to terms with the fact he is a white boy from Canada.

Give Flash one of those pamplets about long plane rides and those silly stretches your supposed to do but make you look like a wierdo they have in the seat pockets on airplanes because Flash obviously didn’t read it.

Let Toews of the Blackhawks to keep on being adorable, teach him that a boy with a long face should not spike his hair, and make him a little less gullible.

Allow Burish and Sharp also of the Blackhawks the gift of Toews being a little less gullible I’m sure they’d enjoy a little extra challenge. Also protect other people from Sharp’s stick we need some hockey players with the ability to reproduce.

Let Patrick Kane keep his head on straight and his toe’s in line. Allow him to do something good so we can all love him guilt free again.

Keep the Blackshawks’ front office out of trouble they are the ones causing me chest pain.

Keep Matt Stajan’s face, of the Maple Leafs, away from both the ice and spherical hurtling objects.

Keep the NHL and the NHLPA from self imploding ALL hockey fans would appreciate it.

This is what we ask of you, the Hockey gods, for this season it is not the last or the least but I think it is not much to ask.

In the name of the forward, the defensemen, and the goalie: amen.

Lemme See Your Glamour Shot!

USA Hockey has released promotional photos for this upcoming 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, but they look more like my senior pictures than hockey promos [Puck Daddy]. They’re of Ryan Miller of the Buffalo Sabres, and our favourite little gangster, PKane. When I saw one of Kaner, holding an icicle menacingly (at least attempting to), all I went was ‘awwwwww!’, and I’m not sure if that the Team USA’s desired affect…

But it sure was like that for me! Also, there’s some where they’re leaning on the faux-ice wall, looking EXACTLY like a pose I did for my senior pictures last month, in which I’m leaning across a mirror table-thing with my oboe in front of me. If the photos had arrived yet, I would post them for comparison, but for now, you’ll have to imagine…

Mhm, I knew there was a reason why I wasn’t rooting for Team USA…

In other news, the television schedule has been released for the Capitals’ 2009-2010 season, and I am pleased to say that every game is going to be on television! Most are on CSN, with a few on Versus and one on NBC (which, of course, is their 07 February game against the Penguins, so big surprise there, but I consider it a blessing since it means the less I have to listen to Pierre McGuire and all the other NBC Sports schmucks).

Also, rookie camp ends tomorrow with a scrimmage against the Philadelphia Flyers’ rookies at 3PM tomorrow in New Jersey. But, if you’re like me and A. has school until 2:20PM, B. does not have a car, and C. has no desire to go to Jersey, you can watch the game online! If you would like to watch the game, be sure to go to the Capitals’ official website at 3PM tomorrow to watch. I sure will be!

And while this isn’t new, we’ve yet to comment on it, and some of you may not know: Greenlife52.com has been confirmed as real, as well as @greenlife52 [Punch in the Face]. Oh, dear.

As Meghan posted earlier, she’s going to be inactive from Friday through Monday, but I should still be able to post, so no worries.

So, 16 days until the convention!

- Anna

Potsy What Will You Say Next?

Had to return to classes today. Big whoopee doo. Not much going on in the hockey world so this will be a rant post..

I really wish Varly wasn’t so adorable. I really do. I’m still angry at that man. http://capitals.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?catid=-6&id=45978 It doesn’t help that when I saw him at rookie camp he was being all buddy buddy with Kugy who I adore.

Something from Twitter the NHL official feed was interview a bunch of players for the media week in NY for the website. Kane said “NHL players are good looking.” Who even brought up such a question that could lead to such an answer? I mean true very true but awkward. I mean sure we all make gay implications and double entendres and jokes in regards to our both favorite and most hated players every once in a while, don’t pretend you don’t! But, wow huh embrace it Potsy, embrace it.

Am I the only one who found the fact NHL.com put the story about Crosby and that old women in THREE different places on the main page quite excesive? A tab that was the main tab for a while, right under that in the top videos/shows and top headlines box.

I didn’t watch it but yeah we get it; sweet old lady likes Crosberry, cute story, we love old people their adorable, sometimes a little creepy. I get it that its the lady who was fawning over him last year and it was a return visit okay cute.Yeah he brought the Stanley Cup because she was all like “We’re gonna win it this year!” last season: Sickeningly sweet.

I mean Anna once showed me the video from the first trip, why she even had watched it to begin with don’t ask me, and yeah she was one framed pictures lit from above next to a picture of Jesus in a hallway away from Mario Lemiuex thinking “Maybe we shouldn’t send Sid out” yeah cute whatever but THREE THINGS IS TWO TOO MANY!

And, can I make a motion to have our team send out our players to deliver the season tickets? I mean yeah I can’t afford them (Remember the good old days when Papa H’s work bought the couporate package so the employees got free tickets and put Papa H in charge of it because he was the only hockey fan so we got all the best tickets and free stuff like my Nicki signed mini jersey? Remember when they didn’t renew the tickets last year because Papa H was the only hockey fan?) it so but I’d be highly motivated to ruin my bank account if say Brooks Laich or Alex Semin or pretty much anyone else on the Caps were delivering my season tickets to me.

In a random but extremely annoying note I may or may not have total destroyed my Washburn, which is my acoustic guitar, good goody gumdrops thats all I need right now. Come back hockey please do! Return some source of happiness to my life.

Of Harassment and Sexual Deviancy (And a Few Other Tidbits)

When I came home yesterday from rookie camp, the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was not “Hi, Anna”, or “Did you have fun?”, it was “How many hockey players did you harass?” Harass, mother? Sure, I get a little overzealous when it comes to anything hockey-related, but would I go as far as to harass my favourite players of my favourite club? Of course not. It was my mom’s attempt at wit, I guess, but it gets worse…

Later that night, I was sitting down with her, and decided to tell her of the elevator incident (as Meghan and I have taken to referring to the twenty-second elevator ride with the rookies). And you know what she said? With one of the most stern, most serious looks on her face, she asked, “You didn’t touch them, did you?” WTF. Yes, mom, Meghan and I decided to molest some of our favourite rookies in an elevator. That’s right, my mom thinks we’re elevator molesters. I don’t even know where to begin addressing such a thing. First of all, if the thought even passed through our thoughts, it wouldn’t have worked because, well, there were four rookies in the elevator! Four. Meghan and I could definitely not “molest” four rookies in an elevator and get out unscathed, especially since one of those four was Carlson. He’s HUGE! Second of all, if Meghan and I had done something like that, how would be go about it? Normal people don’t just go up to strangers (albeit well-known people) and grab them!  Sure, Meghan and I are not the sanest of folks, but we’re not creepy elevator molesters, either.

Just thought I’d clear that up.

Now, onto other news, the official NHL twitter has posted a few concerning tweets. The first one would be a comment made by Henrik Lundqvist…

Assuming he meant Carrie Milbank, he is incredibly incorrect. I’m sure every female on the face of the earth can agree with me. Henrik Lundqvist is a god among men, end of story. And, dear Lundy, why are you comparing your prettiness to a woman? Hmm.

I also found a post made two-hours later quite concerning as well…

 

 … 0.0 … Okay then, Kaner. Should I even comment on this? Would it be wrong of me to insinuate a thousand and one things from this one simple statement? While I quite agree, it is quite concerning that Kaner and I had such a similar opinion of the attractiveness of his league-mates. In the words of Meghan, “Seriously Toews, if Potsy [Kane] tells you there’s something really interesting behind a door labeled, ‘Supply Closet’, don’t go in. Runnnnn!”

Still sticking to Twitter news, it seems as though Mike Green (though we have yet to clear up whether or not greenlife52.com and its accompanying Twitter are actually Greener) likes two things: DC and exclaimation points. My case and point:

Down boy. I love DC as much as the next guy (…as long as the next guy loves DC…), but there’s no need to use 6+ exclaimation points… One will do just fine.

Now, time to talk about my favourite most hated team, the Pittsburgh Penguins. Today, Puck Daddy posted a quote from Dan Bylsma, the nerdy yet obviously effective coach of the Pens, which read:

“I’m not going to lie to you; I spent hours thinking about what I was going to say in my first meeting with Sidney. Do I tip-toe in with him? Do I pace myself, figuring I’ll get to work with him a while? I decided I was just going to stop thinking about it and tell him everything that was on my mind.”

 Way to go, Bylsma, way to get me to dislike you even more. Seriously people, Sidney-fucking-Crosby is not a god. He is not the “next one”. He is not the greatest hockey player in the world. He is a loser from Nova Scotia, who plays hockey better than a lot of people in the NHL, though that isn’t such a hard task when it comes to some players, and gets way too much attention for something Alex Ovechkin does better, bigger, faster, and epic-er(?).

Now, time to remove my cranky, biased little elf, and move on…

One final thing: the Penguins are coming to Washington. Frankly, I do not want them here. Its bad enough that Obama hasn’t been to a Capitals game yet, but now he’s meeting the enemy? Now, now, I know he’d meet whatever team had won; it’s customary, but it’s the the principle of the thing, ya’know? The ceremony begins at 6PM on Thursday. I say, you grab the touches and I’ll grab the pitchforks…

- Anna

Patty Kane Says Sorry For Realz

Because the Chronicles have amazing connections in Buffalo, and it’s court system (don’t ask), we got our hands on Patrick Kane’s apology letter:

Dear Cabbie Dude,
Like sorry I beat you up that was totally like not cool but man like you know I was like totally wasted and I was like not going to but my cousin was all chug! chug! so like I HAD to chug man you know?

Sorry dude it was sooooo not cool but I got to look awesome for the homies and the chicks lolz gots to keep my street cred.

So you know judgers said I had to write you a letter to like apologize. Sorry bud I wouldn’t beat on an old dude that’s so not street.

My cuzzie is sorry too but Jimmy don’t talk cause he don’t play hockey. He sooooo not cool as me LMAO

I hope we’re cool man maybe we could like party sometime I know some crazy clubs! XD I need a wing man when I’m in Buffalo cause James is grounded! Bummmmmer.

Best Friends Forever,
Patrick Kane

I know know I plead August I’m really bored and the Caps aren’t doing much. This will probably be the last Patty Kane beating up cabbie posts I do because it’s so played out and bordering on tacky.

Lots o’ Crap News

The worst part of August is the part where you get lot of little bitty stories but none of them are very important I’m a bit behind on a few of these because of End of Summer Video Palooza so forgive my lateness and this post will be awfully long.

Ovie riding in a double story Hummer limo? Insert Matt Bradley being Captain Planet joke please. So much useless Ovie news so little time. Just go here Alexovetjkin.blogspot.com I’m too lazy to write up my opinion because while I like Mr. Ambassador and he’s a total ham I’m just so sick of hearing about him and his awkward answers; “Where is Ovcehkin mania better US or Russia?” “At my dacha.” Good lord… PS brownie points to me for knowing what a dacha was with out having to look it up. PS its not dirty, surprisingly Meghan does know foreign words that aren’t dirty, its a summer cottage.

Thank the good hockey gods Nicki is apparently training from the rough translation of a interview of some Swedish website. He is apparently training twice a day. Now slow down their Nicksters I love the fact your a fudgeball don’t not get all healthy on us, Swedish Meatball. Glad to see he learned his lesson after last season though.

The Cap’s at School program was announced where teachers can download lesson plans; Chris Clark will be… wait who? Anyway also Matt Bradley will be using his Captain Planet powers to teach kids artsy environmental stuff AKA hippie crap and Mike Green gets to teach the kids how to stay healthy.

Someone, I had never heard of this man he apparently is the host of some show I’ve never seen, said Redwings and Capitals blogger’s have no idea what they are talking about and it was one of his predictions for the up coming season. I predict you sir will still be a douche bag.

So do you all remember ever so long ago back during the Award show time that they had a charity poker tournament. Okay good you do. What the heck happened with that? When will it be on TV?

Candian Olympic camp opened Monday. I have not become entirely sure who I’m rooting for yet. I’m thinking I’ll end up rooting for Russia. Especially since 90% chance its Canada/Russia for gold anyway. I’ve never actually really been big on the Olympics to begin with. Speaking of which I saw this HILARIUS secret transcript of the USA hockey camp on Down Goes Brown: http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2009/08/usa-olympics-hockey-camp.html Go for the Bronze!

I’m sick of Pat Kane, your sick of Pat Kane, we are all freaking sick of Pat Kane but while perusing You Tube the other day I stumbled upon this little reenactment of what happened. Word of Warning; there is some strong language so NSFW and I have yet to figure out why they are all shirtless…

I just found out that Brooks Laich has a younger brother named Jordan. Okay Meghan why do I care? I don’t know reader I don’t know. He doesn’t play profesh hockey or anything and I stumbled upon this but I don’t remember how. It doesn’t seem very news worthy I was just extremely surprised I hadn’t heard this before seeing as MAMT Locker is just a plethora of random information about our boys so usually I know whether some of the boys have siblings or not or something that happened in the third grade or whose dad did what because he is always spouting forth random crap and I’m disappointed that he hadn’t spouted forth that.

So no game for Captials VS. Candians at the Olympic stadium. Not for the same stupid reason as the winter classic. This one makes logical sense. See the CFL (really?) team that plays in the stadium is doing very well and looks as if they will be going far into the off season and therefore there would be no time to properly install ice for a game. Alright I will let this go seeing as it’s not stupid and is actually down right logical even if it is the CFL.

End of Summer Video Palooza

Well it may not be the end of summer for you reader but for us here at the Chronicles Monday means no more summer for us. So to celebrate the only good thing about school which is that it means we are just that much closer to fall and hockey season I present you with End of Summer Video Palooza. And when I say palooza I’m very serious this is a LOT of videos! And in case your thinking ‘Hey stupid if its Monday then Sundays your last day of summer not today.’ I would agree but it would be the last day if I had done my assignments before hand instead of waiting for Sunday to cram. So here we go:

I know you all have probably seen this video but its one of my absolute favorites. Bruce’s kid is the cutest thing ever. He is also the luckiest kid ever.

Does anyone find the arguement between Green and Stecks about getting dumped slightly disturbing? But, completely adorable. Cougar Bait gets all bashful when Brady asks him about being well cougar bait is too funny.

Two kids reenacting famous fights including the most amazing slap fight ever AKA one of the top ten moments in Meghan’s life AKA Marc Staal v Alex Semin

Cabbie learn Russian from Semyon. Word of Warning: If you do NOT want to see Ovechkin scantly clad for any reason I don’t recommend this video.

Kris Versteeg doesn’t know a lot of words;

Thank you, thank you, thank you sweet jesus you said ‘under age’ when Miley Cyrus’s picture came up.

I found this video one time looking for a Cabbie as in the reporter video but I got a Nike commerical about a Goalie cab driver.

My favorite line is “Its hot in here!” “Maybe you should take off the mask.” “What mask?”

Gerry Dee ‘discredits’ the myth that hockey players aren’t very smart:

Okay I didn’t know one or two of those but good lord.

IF YOU WATCH ANY of these videos watch this one.

If you watch this video then do not barf and become OUTRAGED you should have.

Sharp and Burrish are hilarous. Word of Warning: If you do NOT want to see Sharp and Burish shirtless I don’t reccomend this video.

Maybe this is why Kane is so angry! Sharp and Burish are always picking on him and Toews!

An old commerical from when Mr. Fedorov was still on the Wings.

These kids are seriously hardcore!… too bad their on the same team!

Whose Eating Apple Pie Now?

Lately we’ve heard an awful lot about the guys who have started training. Brian, Mr. Ambassador, Semin, Varlamov, and even that used to be Caps is now a Penguins goalie guy which got me thinking this;

Dear Hockey Gods,
Please Please Please let Nicki be keeping in shape! It was terrible last year when he came back all unconditioned and everyone was making fun of him and saying he was slow. I thought he was about normal speed but it didn’t stop everyone and their grandmother to keep from making fun of him. All I wanted to do was jump up and defend him a little. I mean sure I’ve been known to refer to him a fudgeball every once in a blue moon but in an affectionate way more a comment on what I think his demeanor is like not his physique. So I just really hope he’s keeping in shape cause I can’t stand another round of make fun of the team’s ‘summer chubster’ again if its him. Other wise its basically open season on the ‘summer chubster’.

Also I guess since Kane got arrested even if, and by if I mean when, he comes off this sunny side up his reputation is ruined so there a vacancy for the ‘All-American: apple pie, baseball cards, love his mom’ hockey player. I mean we’ve got the ‘All Canadian: maple syrup, mooses, loves his mom’ hockey player in Sidney Crosby and the ‘All Russian: Borscht, loves his mom and some other russian-y stuff’ in Mr. Ambassador so who does America get now? Who is the hockey player who represents us in the NHL now that baby-faced Kane literally is ‘Baby-Face’ Kane from Chicag-ah?