As summer draws closer and closer to the end and the shining beacon that is hockey season will begin again it only seems to be going slo-o-o-o-wer. Kids are sticking their heels in and screaming their heads off as there are only a week and a half left until school starts for most in the DC metro area. Adults are beginning to go cubicle (or the approximation) stir crazy. And its HOT. What was a originally wonderfully mild summer suddenly got sticky quick… y. (I couldn’t help myself) So here is stuff to do that should make you feel just a little closer to hockey season.
1. The obvious go to the local ice rink or similarly cold hockey oriented place. Ten points if you see a person in a Cap’s Jersey. Twenty if its another team. Thirty if you heckle them. Minus forty if they catch you when you run.
2. Call the local take away place and joke that if they don’t have exact change you won’t pull a ‘Pat Kane’ on them. Ten extra points if they have any clue who Pat Kane is. Minus two points if you actually live in Buffalo.
3. Go to the local bookstore and have a hockey book scavenger hunt:
If you find the Don Cherry book; Five points.
If you find the giant Hockey Chronicles book (no relation) and look through if you can find an Crosby photo you get five points, ten if it’s Crosby AND Malkin, you get twenty thousand million points if you find a picture of Ovie, cause I sure as hell didn’t.
If you find a book called ‘The Kid’ that cost fifteen bucks and weighs twenty thousand pounds you get fifteen points, find the tiny paperback also about Sidney Crosby that cost twenty bucks and wonder WTF? you get fifty points.
If your bookstore has the sports section facing the romance shelf so your bumping against housewives and the occasional creepy man buying novels with hilarious pun names and feeling awkward you get twenty five million points. Triple your points if you see a hockey romance novel; who knew? I didn’t.
4. Call Nylander’s agent and babble in a heavy Russian accent.
5. If you really want to screw with his head call in a accent that sounds Brazilian after that.
6. Reenact your favorite hockey fights from through out the year. Extra points if you use actual bongos for the Marc Staal-Alex Semin fight.
7. Begin to choose who you will root for in the Olympics. Tell grandpa that there is no proper Hungarian team and watch his disappointment. Then tell your other Grandpa there is no point in rooting for Great Britain either. Then watch both ask why the hell would they care anyway they don’t like hockey.
8.Wonder how Karl Alzner can continue to be creepy perfect all the time, then wonder how long it’ll be before he beats up a cabbie.
9.Wonder how much more foot in mouth things Varlamov can say before October that can get him to be booed by women fans on game day.
10. Send Crosby one of those big apartment listing books with a post-it that says ‘Get your own place you bum! Love Mario’
11. Watch Anastasia for the first time ever. Get irrationally angry when non of the Russian people have actual Russian accents but that half of them are missing some teeth.
12. Seeing as everyone else is doing it cast each player as a character from a popular blockbuster movie, book, or children’s cartoon show. I recommend seeing as GI Joe taken you try Harry Potter, Transformers or other some other action flicks or for extra kakas and giggles the Proposal or The Time Travelers Wife.
13. Jinx other teams by planning their playoff celebrations already .
14. Wonder who this Clark fellow is and start a ‘Where in the World is this Clark Fellow and Why in the World is He our Captian’ campaign. What ever happened to that Rock the Vote commercial eh?
15. Go to the local Borders book store and get the DIY voodoo doll kit. Put picture of player of your choice but if I may suggest Crosby or Kunitz. Feed to your dog or particularly cantankerous cat.
16. Find out that despite your NPR love you never knew that All Things Considered was doing a series of Washington Capitals piece back in February. Curse the heavens.
17. Wonder how you just spent an afternoon making this list… or maybe thats just me.
If you have your own suggestions please add them.