Reader, today we discuss a serious subject. Now to discuss this serious subject I need to be able to assume one thing; that you are not Amish and therefore have access to technology and therefore I can assume at one point in your life you saw “I, Robot”, “Wall*E”, an episode of the “Twilight Zone” or “The Jetsons”.
Readers, feast your eyes upon this picture (borrowed from Russian Machine Never Breaks):
Ignore Ovie, clearly providing a public service and carefully checking the pulse of that club goer because as we know Ovie is always safety first, and the rest of the club going sweaty masses and notice John Carlson. Look at his collar, his perfectly styled hair, his over all preppy appearance.
Kids, I believe John Carlson may be a robot sent by a (debatably evil or good) Canadian scientist where all they knew about American culture is what they saw from 1950s movies and “Mad Men” reruns. He looks like someone took a picture of an 1952 all-american varsity quarter-back and photoshopped it in to a club picture. Now for the evidence:
John Carlson appears to have three facial expressions, they are also almost always exactly the same when employed:
Mouth open/Eyebrow raise (versatile for many emotions)
Always accompanied by glassy, half closed eyes. Which leads us to…
He doesn’t even have to look at the net to score goals!
Why? Because he’s a robot! He’s got sensors, he doesn’t need your silly human eyeballs!
He’s from New Jersey. No human being actually comes from New Jersey.
Clearly, mutants from one of Jersey’s many chemical plants.
And, he wasn’t even born there; he voluntarily chooses to come from there. No human being in their right mind would do that.
Now why would a Canadian scientist send America a hockey playing robot? Well the scientist couldn’t very well test a robot out on one of their own teams now could they? What if it went horribly wrong? Well, they clearly never watched “The Twilight Zone” because that is exactly what happened for them. Guess they should have kept him after all.
Keep on, keepin’ on, John Carlson robot hockey player, as long as you don’t go ballistic or over heat and explode we are a-okay with each other.
Lastly: New Jersey readers, please do not hate me.