By Request

Recently VH1 had a series of tv specials called “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex” based off a book by the same title. I was rather enjoying this hilarity and talking about it on Twitter and to my surprise several readers @-ed me asking for me to do a post about the violators of this rule in the NHL (and most specifically Mike Green by quite a few of you.) So because I am a lady of the people I give you hockey’s violators of the Undateable rules:

Semyon Varlamov:

Offense: Acid Wash Jeans

I’ve seen Semyon Varlamov in acid wash jeans but WORSE I saw him once in what appeared to be SKINNY *ACID* wash jean. I understand you are from Russia, where the 90s went to live on forever but no. Just no.

Mike Green

Offense: Over Grooming

(Photo by@ jmdc88)

Not that I would ever suggest Micheal gets those perfect eyebrows by say waxing them or probably needs more time to get ready in the morning then one of those Sex in the City ladies… Nope would never suggest that.

Sidney Crosby

Offense: Bad Facial Hair

Many NHL players break this rule but when you think AWFUL facial hair you think Crosby. Let’s face it, it’s not your fault if you’re like Backstrom and Crosby and incapable of growing in a nice moustache or beard, we can’t all be like George Parros or Brendan Morrison. Some people say it’s the effort that counts, I say shave that thing off your face, Duck Lips.

So, so many offenders

Offense: Man Crocs

Hockey players in general are awful about this particular offense. From the two biggest stars in the league down. (Is Crosby wearing socks with those?! Does that violate the socks and sandals rule too?!) Unless you’re a nurse flying around the floors of a hospital saving lives or a cook skidding across the slippery floor of a kitchen by the deep fryers and hot ovens you don’t really need to be wearing Crocs.

Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless

Some men just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Every time you turn around their shirt has somehow disappeared, for better or for worse. Ovie seems no exception to this offense. Seems like every other picture burning my corneas on hockey blogs is Ovechkin with his shirt off. No offense my friend but… No. And tramp stamps was that on the list? Because, it needs to be.

Alexander Semin and Patrick Kane

Offense: the Mullet

I-I… *walks away* NO. NO NO NO.

Patrick Kane is a double offender with the stuff cut into the sides of his mullet (this picture doesn’t show it, it’s from before he did that but it’s true)

Brooks Laich/Mike Green

Offense: Girly Sunglasses

I’m sure several of our female readers just smashed into their keyboards “BROOKS LAICH UNDATEABLE !!!1111!!!?”  but this is a double offender offense. Mike Green owned the glasses but Brooks claimed they were more his style. Okay boys… okay.

Jose Theodore

Offense: Mandels

Techincally it was mandels with socks but I think we can all agree mandels are never are okay.

Ovie, Green, Backstrom etc

Offense: Lame Dohickey

I know I want to date the guy rolling down the street in his Victorian style bike, unicycle or segway.

Mike Green

Offense: Moobs

Let’s face it Green used to/sort of is a bit of a chubby chunkers and had some/probably still has Moobs. Sorry Greener.

 Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Plays Video Games a LOT

Okay that’s every guy ever but this just happened to be the pictural evidence I had.

Mike Green

Offense: Skulls

Mike Green is a pretend Emo kid. Mike Green likes skulls. Skulls are lame. End. Story.

Mike Green

Offense: Faux Hawk

Mike Green does do real mohawks but he also guilty of the faux hawk.

Milan Jurcina

Offense: WTF is that outfit

I don’t think this was a specific offense but what in the hell are you wearing?

Don’t get me wrong, we like our hockey players and what they do on the ice night after night, but well maybe we wouldn’t want to acknowledge them in public when they’re having a “Undateable” sort of day.

If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments.