By Request

Recently VH1 had a series of tv specials called “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex” based off a book by the same title. I was rather enjoying this hilarity and talking about it on Twitter and to my surprise several readers @-ed me asking for me to do a post about the violators of this rule in the NHL (and most specifically Mike Green by quite a few of you.) So because I am a lady of the people I give you hockey’s violators of the Undateable rules:

Semyon Varlamov:

Offense: Acid Wash Jeans

I’ve seen Semyon Varlamov in acid wash jeans but WORSE I saw him once in what appeared to be SKINNY *ACID* wash jean. I understand you are from Russia, where the 90s went to live on forever but no. Just no.

Mike Green

Offense: Over Grooming

(Photo by@ jmdc88)

Not that I would ever suggest Micheal gets those perfect eyebrows by say waxing them or probably needs more time to get ready in the morning then one of those Sex in the City ladies… Nope would never suggest that.

Sidney Crosby

Offense: Bad Facial Hair

Many NHL players break this rule but when you think AWFUL facial hair you think Crosby. Let’s face it, it’s not your fault if you’re like Backstrom and Crosby and incapable of growing in a nice moustache or beard, we can’t all be like George Parros or Brendan Morrison. Some people say it’s the effort that counts, I say shave that thing off your face, Duck Lips.

So, so many offenders

Offense: Man Crocs

Hockey players in general are awful about this particular offense. From the two biggest stars in the league down. (Is Crosby wearing socks with those?! Does that violate the socks and sandals rule too?!) Unless you’re a nurse flying around the floors of a hospital saving lives or a cook skidding across the slippery floor of a kitchen by the deep fryers and hot ovens you don’t really need to be wearing Crocs.

Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless

Some men just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Every time you turn around their shirt has somehow disappeared, for better or for worse. Ovie seems no exception to this offense. Seems like every other picture burning my corneas on hockey blogs is Ovechkin with his shirt off. No offense my friend but… No. And tramp stamps was that on the list? Because, it needs to be.

Alexander Semin and Patrick Kane

Offense: the Mullet

I-I… *walks away* NO. NO NO NO.

Patrick Kane is a double offender with the stuff cut into the sides of his mullet (this picture doesn’t show it, it’s from before he did that but it’s true)

Brooks Laich/Mike Green

Offense: Girly Sunglasses

I’m sure several of our female readers just smashed into their keyboards “BROOKS LAICH UNDATEABLE !!!1111!!!?”  but this is a double offender offense. Mike Green owned the glasses but Brooks claimed they were more his style. Okay boys… okay.

Jose Theodore

Offense: Mandels

Techincally it was mandels with socks but I think we can all agree mandels are never are okay.

Ovie, Green, Backstrom etc

Offense: Lame Dohickey

I know I want to date the guy rolling down the street in his Victorian style bike, unicycle or segway.

Mike Green

Offense: Moobs

Let’s face it Green used to/sort of is a bit of a chubby chunkers and had some/probably still has Moobs. Sorry Greener.

 Alex Ovechkin

Offense: Plays Video Games a LOT

Okay that’s every guy ever but this just happened to be the pictural evidence I had.

Mike Green

Offense: Skulls

Mike Green is a pretend Emo kid. Mike Green likes skulls. Skulls are lame. End. Story.

Mike Green

Offense: Faux Hawk

Mike Green does do real mohawks but he also guilty of the faux hawk.

Milan Jurcina

Offense: WTF is that outfit

I don’t think this was a specific offense but what in the hell are you wearing?

Don’t get me wrong, we like our hockey players and what they do on the ice night after night, but well maybe we wouldn’t want to acknowledge them in public when they’re having a “Undateable” sort of day.

If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments.

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19 Comments

Filed under Alex Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Brooks Laich, Jose Theodore, Meghan's Blog, Mike Green, Random Ramblings, Washington Capitals

19 responses to “By Request

  1. Jessica

    You need Jumbo Joe in Addicted to being Shirtless xD

    Haha. Hilarious post. I liked the Mandals, Acid Wash Jeans [ewwww], Moobs, and Crocs. xD

    I have no suggestions for now, but you never know…

  2. Ivana

    “Ovie…Offense: Addicted to Being Shirtless” I could not stop laughing reading that. So, so true.

  3. Katie

    Semin doesn’t have a mullet! You know who used to have a truly offensive mullet? Varly. At the Caps convention, it was atrocious and I believe it was also paired with skinny jeans.

  4. Katie

    And also, as a female hockey fan, I think it’s safe to say that a large contingent of the female fans have NO PROBLEM with the rampant shirtlessness!!

  5. Jessica is right – Jumbo Joe is ALWAYS shirtless. And I must agree with Katie’s second post.

    Anyway, you’ve killed me again, great job!

  6. Semin has a bit of a mullet, not as bad as Varly though.

    How about..
    Jonathan Toews poor excuse for not being able to grow a playoff beard. Someone is trying way to hard to look like Wolverine.

  7. Lena

    @Katie, completely agree; have no problems with the shirtlessness. Ovi, keep taking it off :-)

    Greenie, put it back on, no moob flaunting.

    Crocs, no comment. Should never be worn ever. Just as bad as Uggs.

    Hillarious article. Thanks.

  8. Cookie Monster

    Bat-Shit Crazy: Steve Downey

    He’s not in the NHL anymore, but mullet title goes to Jagr.

    Being Cheap: Pat Kane aka 20 cent

  9. meg

    You have to take Brooks Laich off that list! And here’s why. In the video in which that picture was taken from he was totally making fun of mike green’s sunglasses. It was a joke, he knew they were hideous! His putting them on an joking around while making fun of his friend’s style is totally adorable and does not warrant being included in this list. The rest however, are hilarious and totally true. Too bad you don’t have varly’s mullet on there, his is the worst. And there is a picture of backstrom with WAAAY worse Moobs than mike green’s but I’d have to do some searching for it.

  10. Cookie Monster

    Over Accessorizing: Lots of Russians with Ovie as their leader

    (Russian “fashion” faux pas would be book length.)

    The support garment in plain sight: Every men’s locker room and sometimes on counters at home. Ew.

  11. linecaro

    In the segment that was almost the last day in the life of mike green, when they show him driving to verizon, he is listening to Mariah Carrey. you could screen cap the video, as it shows it.

    And even though he just bought a place (so they say…) Crosby living at Mario’s has to be on this list.

    And thank you for the over-grooming one, haahah, YES. (love how almost half these are Greenie…).

  12. thehockeychronicles

    Thanks guys and gals, keep them coming! I plan to have an updated verison with some of your suggestions and some of my own I forgot soon -Meghan

  13. kmr2r

    how about pants so tight you dont need imagination (ck the alexovechkin site)

    or
    so much grease in your hair its got to leave a mark on the pillow ? (come on backie- that some pretty hair- stop that!) (belanger too)

    or
    those fringe boots that Federov wore during his interview with Lindsay Cznariak (sp?)

    or
    the gold lame (lamae?)on the back of some of their sweats

    or
    well, the whole Mike Green website

    or
    T shirts my 14 year students think are funny with half dressed girls on them ( seriously backie?)

    or
    shaving all your hair off.. no no stop it!

  14. Lucy

    You are an evil genius.

  15. WashCapsRock

    OMG – I can’t stop laughing!! I love our boys but these are all sooooo true!

  16. mcawful

    This is just genius. I love it.

    I agree with Katie – as a seasoned perv, I too have no problem with shirtlessness. I do, however, have a problem with elite athletes whose shirtlessness inspires everyday beer leaguers to walk around with their man muffin-tops all over the goddamn place. Unless you look like Ovi, put that shit back on, srsly.

    I never noticed Mike Green’s manboob potential, but you’re totally right. HOWEVER – and I understand no one’s comfortable throwing Backstrom under the bus on account of Extreme Adorableness – but baby has/had some serious moobs.

    I adore Alex Semin to the end of the world, so I must dispute the existence of a true mullet, whether I’m in denial or not. He’s just walking hair porn to me. It’s gorgeous. As a matter of fact, so is Federov. Must be a Russian thing…?

    Varly’s young. I’m so excited to see what Eurotrash, techno-inspired fashion disasters he has in store. I’m gunning for the rat-tail.

  17. Starlet

    1) I’ll admit I’m not the biggest fan of skinny acid wash jeans, but if my man Varlamov is wearing them, I totally don’t care.
    2) OMG CROSBY’S BAD FACIAL HAIR! AHAHAHA!
    3) I agree, a guy who is addicted to being shirtless can get a little annoying…but really people, it’s OVIE!

  18. Ashley Semin

    I agree with mcawful… Alex Semin is like…amazing <3
    I'm pretttty sure I'm his #1 fan.
    So I'm just going to have to pretend that his mullet was just a bad hair cut or something :)
    BTW I'm soo going to marry him…Just wait and see :)
    Oh yeah…and I think this site is pretty accurate haha…Except for Greenie's fauxhawk. I think it's cute :)
    Ok bye now! <3
    PS- Crosby SUCKS!

  19. Emily

    I can defend Laich! He’s wearing Mike Greens sunglasses from the Caps Cribs. He tried them on and made fun of him!!!

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